I did it. I opened a can of worms. I told him I had had a crush on him not thinking it would go down this fucking way, but it did. He likes me too. When I told him he said he didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know why. I thought he meant it was too weird for him. I immediately wanted to take it back, but I couldn't. I'd already said do you want to hear something really fucked up? He says he told everyone at the BBQ later Sunday night after our party that if he found a girl like me,  like his "cousin" Arianah (he says my name like Cole lol) that he would marry her in an instant. He said it's not about sex, that it was the conversation we had. How it flowed and was cosmic and orgasmic and some other adjective shit. That's when mom walked in so I was half listening and half trying to explain to her what the fuck was going on. He deleted me on facebook. We were just talking about family shit. We always get back to family shit. I won't say anything about that because that's not why we're not talking and he told me not to tell everyone SO many things that I lost track of what not to say and what I can say. So fucking whatever I just won't say anything at all. All I know is that he kept saying he despised us all. For what we represent. And I told him I CAN'T CHANGE WHO I AM. Like he can't fucking see how important he is to me and how much I fucking care about him to the point that I feel like dying. Like that sounds real great right now. I can't say that shit to mom though or she'll freak out, but that's honestly how I feel. I want to die. I hate my fucking grandfather, but I was thinking, I mean without him we would've never gotten to know each other? We would have never even known the other existed? He's not the fucking problem, but he's what connects us in some fucked up way that nobody can take back or pretend isn't linking us. Everything Brad says to me is a fucking knife in my heart. Just when he was saying he hated me that was enough for me to go into a panic attack and feel like vomiting. And then all this other fucking shit happened and it's SO much worse than the family shit because I can't fix it and now he's just out of my life. And I can't handle that. The finality of it all. I want him in my life. That's why I was working SO FUCKING hard on being friends; of thinking of him as a brother. Because I'd rather him in my life as that than nothing at all. SO WHY CAN'T HE FUCKING DO THAT TOO? Why does he have to be like this? Why did he have to delete me and say I'm writing a story about you, never talk to me again. We were just talking about family shit and then he... he does that a lot, he goes off the subject pretty easily and starts talking about something else... but he started talking about Ashley? One of his fucking MANY ex's. And he was saying shit about how she drew two pictures for him and they were fucking creepy as shit... and I was like RED FLAG in my head, thinking that's creepy? Like fuck me. That's considered creepy? And i was like well wait was it after you broke up cause I can understand that being fucking creepy and he said no it was while they were still together... SO MORE RED FLAGS FOR ME. I'm like oh fucking shit maybe this explains everything. Maybe this explains why Justin has been so distant. So I'm trying to process this and I keep asking him that's considered CREEPY? And he's like why, are you mad that I said that because you draw stuff for people? And I was like not mad, but I was like yeah cause I drew somebody. And then he asked who and I said....... well I wouldn't say at first. So then he prodded me a little and he was like... who did you draw? Oh my fucking god..... Did he expect me to say him? I just got that.... Just now... Fucking damn it. That's why he was so pissed. Cause, hah, I ended up saying Justin. And he was quiet and he said why did you draw him and I said I don't know. I knew fucking well why, but I wasn't gonna say it to him... and then right after that, when it seemed like we were gonna talk the whole night about family shit and other random stuff, he just all of a sudden was like I've got something to do, I've gotta go. And I immediately was like WHAT DID I DO? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? And he said no. But all of a sudden he sounded so small and so curt and polite with me. I knew deep down something was wrong, but I asked him I said are you lying to me? I can't tell with you. And he said no. So I chose to believe him. I wanted to stay on the phone with him, but I chose to believe he actually had something to do so i let him go. I went and took a shower. And then that's when he deleted me, said he never wanted to talk to me again. When i asked why, he just kept saying things like let me make this easier for you. Bye. Shit like that fucking tears me into pieces. Like when  mom found me I was sitting in the floor, curled up, in the dark, crying, and I shouldn't have told her but I took a Xanax. I felt SO SHITTY. Because I can't deal with this. I don't want him out of my life. I feel like I'm missing a fucking piece of myself without him. I guess all these years I really fucking kidded myself into believing I didn't like him that much. It just feels like now I'm only pretending to be alive. I'm not really here. Because I don't want to be here. He just said he likes me too. And that's what makes this so fucking hard because... I don't know he was drunk so everything he said was slurred but he was saying shit about his current gf, or ex's or someone idk and he was saying they're great and all, but they're not you. She's not you. And I've ruined conversation for him. Like he won't have a better conversation with anyone fucking else. And I find that so hard to believe. WHAT ABOUT SAM? He loved her so fucking much. He can find somebody else so why does he have to fucking treat me this way? Like this is the only way. Like after that shit where he deleted me I was trying to figure out WHY and he told me to ask Justin. I did. Which was so fucking retarded because he was being rhetorical and Justin knew fucking shit. He was like... why did you draw Justin? And I said because I like him. But what the fucking hell does that have to do with us? And he said he was jealous. That was news to me because we hadn't fucking talked about him liking me back yet. So I was like I'll delete Justin, I'll never talk to him again, I'll fucking rip up the drawing. Just don't do this to me. And then he chided me. He told me not to because he loves him? Like who fucking cares. I don't now. And I was like I'd rather have you in my life than him and he told me my obsession was cute. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? My obsession with him??? Fuck you. Fuck him. And then after that he just kept saying he never wanted to talk to me again. And I said things that I'm not proud of.... like would me dying make things better? like what about me liking someone was SO bad? Do you know how often I was angry and jealous and bitter hearing about ALL his fucking girlfriends and ex's??? and he slept with this one, and Sam, Sam, Sam. Like what the fuck? I'm not allowed to LIKE ONE PERSON? I'm not allowed to have FEELINGS??? I got through seeing your shit, you can get over hearing about mine. I mean, I'm a fucking VIRGIN. I haven't slept with Justin and that was never even really my intention. Sure I wanted to date him, and maybe kiss him. But I never thought about giving my virginity to him (at least not seriously) So what the fuck Brad???? Is it just cause you know him? Cause your best friends??? Well I'm fucking sorry, but I had to MEET Sam and pretend like it didn't fucking bother me. He just said things like we were able to talk about all kinds of shit and I made him feel so comfortable and he really enjoyed talking to me. Like legitimately enjoyed it. And I did too. He said he went outside cause he was having a hard time and he didn't know how but I fucking found him and I told him I was looking for him that's why. He acts like everything I do is wholesome and pure or some shit, but I was LOOKING for him because my head is filled with him. I can't think about anything else when he's in the vicinity. Tabitha was trying to talk to me and I just wasn't there. I really tried to talk to her, but I couldn't stop thinking about Brad, about how he was doing, or just wanting to hear what he was saying. So I LIED and said I had to use the bathroom. And I was so fucking lonely when I didn't talk to him. That's why I wanted to stay outside forever with him. Even though it was fucking cold, even though it started fucking pouring. I didn't want to leave that porch. And now I know he felt the same. He said he didn't want to leave the house. Like he felt fucking upset when Britney said they had to leave. I was upset too. I just wanted to talk to him for hours and hours and for it to never stop and that's still how I feel. Like he's the only one that can make it better. He's the only one that can make it right. But he's also the one who can tear me up into tiny fucking pieces and step down hard on them and kick them into idk the fucking ocean where I'm left at the bottom feeling fucking alone and scared. Bob Marley is trying to tell me it's alright, but it's not Bob. It just isn't. Brad said it just felt so natural when we talked, like not forced, like what are the odds he said that we had both watched the same documentary and just brought it up casually.... it was The Invisible War. And just thinking about the timing of it all. I mean I had JUST watched it maybe the night before or the night before that. But I had JUST watched it. So for him to remember that as a pivotal point int he conversation it's just so fucking bizarre; the fate. I want him to call me right now. But he's not because he's actually sober right now probably. The shit my mom said scares me to fucking death. Like get on eharmony, go to some chatroom for witnesses. And I'm just like fuck no, I'll just find someone who I work with or meet someone out and she's like those guys will be just as shitty because they'll be working at whatever shitty job you work at. And that just makes me feel like there's no hope. I'll never be able to find someone. I'll be alone for fucking ever. And maybe this is why I can't picture my fucking future. Because I don't have one. I've always thought that I was going to die young because I can't ever picture my life later on. He has done a really good fucking job pushing me away though. That was his original intent and man does he drive that point home. I just don't know what to fucking do now. I don't want to do family shit with the other Palag's. I don't want Shane and Alec to delete me. I don't fucking care anymore about New Year's when I was so looking forward to it. I'm actually dreading it now although I do feel like getting fucking wasted now. If we had real alcohol in the house I'd get fucking wasted right now. I just want to talk to him. That's all I want to do. But I know nothing can be fixed. I just can't stand it ending this way when I was fully prepared to NEVER give up on him. EVER. I just want to fucking see him again. I want to hug him. Wow what kind of fucking joke is this. Britney just wrote me and said she's soo glad I'm here and she can't waait for New Years. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm fucking sick of crying. Mom said that if brad fucking cared about me he wouldn't do this shit to me right now. Not with all my anxiety. Not with my parents going through a fucking divorce right now. If he actually cared at all about me. He said things about the fucking pictures I sent. Like who drinks wine with their meal? Or that candle bouquet? Like we're fancy as shit and I'll never understand where he's coming from, or the life he lives. He tried to explain that to me. That I wouldn't be able to survive a day in his life. I don't care, I just want to be a part of it anyway. Even if I can't handle it. Why doesn't he fucking get that???? Without Brad I feel empty. LIke it literally causes me physical pain and I feel like such a drama queen, but it's true. And I can't help it. And I don't know why. I just want things to be resolved. I want things to go back before they were last night. I don't twant to feel like this anymore. If I could forget someone I would right now. Because this hurts too much, it's so fucking painful. It's like losing a loved one. It's like them dying, but you know they're still alive, but you... I don't fucking even know. I love him too much. I love Brad. And it's scary as shit to say that and I tried to pretend otherwise, but there it is. My mom said that if we got together... that if we started sleeping with each other he would do this shit to me anyway, he would still party with his friends, get wasted, not remember what he did, fuck other girls, and I would still feel like this. I would be a fucking mess every day of my life.  But for some reason that sounds so much better than how I feel right now. Because at least Brad would be in my life. I'm just so scared. I know if I made that choice, mom would fucking disown me. But that's what I want. I at least want to try it. I know, I'm the most ignorant human being on the planet who's so stupid and doesn't know what the fuck she's asking for and probably wouldn't last one night without her "mommy." I just feel like fucking shit and I don't see it letting up anytime soon. I mean maybe that's why the initial attraction to Justin happened because he was so close to Brad, because he knew Brad. I would have never added him back otherwise honestly.