I don't know if you read this or not. I'll believe the first one to make myself feel better. I fucking wish you would call me. But I know, I know, you can't. I'm just really spiraling and I can't fucking figure out what to do with myself. Everyone is trying to get me to move on and I'm just... stuck... on that porch with you. I never left. You'll always be able to find me there.

"I breathe you in with smoke in the backyard lights,
we used to laugh until we choked into the wasted nights.
It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone."

^ Those lyrics just remind me of that night. 

Is it bad that I've seriously thought about asking your brothers how you were doing? This has been the worst week of my life. Worse than that week my dad found out my mom filed for divorce but we all still lived in the same house; trying to pack up our shit. 

I only looked up the lyrics to Wake Up before. I never listened to the song. Listening to it made it much more... poignant. And now... I'm so pissed at myself for being so worried about the present when I was talking to you and not saying all the things I have on my mind now. I just want to tell you everything and anything and nothing. I just want to talk to you. But I fucking can't :) I'll never be able to :D 

I just... stare at your profile picture, which is probably not helping anybody and I asked you like 4 questions on your spring.me. Fuck being anonymous. You'd know it was me anyway. I just don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I must check your Facebook and Instagram like 500 times a day. And what good does this shit do anybody? I must imagine myself holding you to me like every other minute of everyday. Do you see what I mean by spiraling? Because I can't do any of that I just get more and more depressed. I just want to fucking crack my head open against the wall so my thoughts of you will spill out somewhere else instead of just sitting there 24 hours a day in my head.