Someone please help me.
I'm so lost.
I'm so lost.
5.31.2016
I want to go places and do things. Exactly like that night with Izzy and Seth. Where we just have no plans but we drive and we goof off and we have tons of fun just being together; hanging out. You act like everything fun costs money though and you make it sound like driving around with no plan is the last thing you'd want to do. So the most fun we can have is family events and going out to eat with each other. Then you invite your dumb ass loser friends over whom I'd rather shoot myself then hang out with, but that's what you have fun doing. Drinking and making up scenarios with them. I don't want to do that so then I'm alone. You don't ask me hey can so and so come over. You just ask them all to come over and then I find out once they pull in the driveway. I'm bored too. Do you even care? Do you even try and do something fun with me? No. In this regard you're not the guy I imagined I'd be with. Who I could just do anything with and we'd have the best time. We can, but it's like pulling teeth to get you to go do something with me in the first place.
I'm never completely at home
I don't get excited about days ahead anymore. When you tell me you have days off I dread them. But it doesn't matter even on days you work the next morning, it's so easy for you to find ways to spend time away from me. I'm alone all the time. It's the same old fucking story that I boo hoo about and I'm so fucking done telling it. I'm tired of this being a problem I have to deal with. You like to spend time with your friends and family. 90% of your free time. You'd like me to just be jumbled up in that percentage but I abhor your friends. So when it comes down to a decision because you live with me, you choose hanging out with them. You tell yourself that you deserve it and you don't get enough time with them anyway. This is all fine and great. But I literally have no one. I gave up my one best friend and family for you. I miss her everyday. I love my Grandma but when I'm sad and just want to talk to someone she's not the person I yearn for. She's not my mom. Nobody is. I've replaced my mom with you and that's really bad of me. Giving you so much responsibility because honestly you will never fill that gap. You let me but I can tell you hate it when I go spend time away from you. So I don't make plans, I honestly hate being away from you but if I could see into the future, if I knew that you were hanging out with your friends I would make plans with somebody. I'd try and get my own life. I would but only if I knew for certain that you wouldn't be hanging with me and that's the thing whenever I make plans with someone else you do exactly what I want to do and you don't hang out with anyone else. I'm just so sick of hearing you laugh and have a good time with your friends while I'm in our room by myself trying to find something to do even though I had 6 hours to do that before you got home. I've already been by myself and I want to spend time with you but you were at work and you want to spend time with your friends. And I just don't get why I'm alive sometimes. What the hell is my purpose besides being sad all the time? I don't bring anything to anybody's life and I don't get it. It's nights like these, I always reach for the phone. I want to call my mom so bad but I've built this wall of pretend happy and I can't call her at 1 in the morning crying every time I'm sad because that would be every other day. Eventually she'd start telling me I need to come back home and if I didn't want to do that I'd be screwed. I'd lose my support beam once again. I'd be back to square one. So I keep it to myself. I make little remarks on Twitter for no one to read and that's about as much as I open up to anyone. Brad never understands the depth of my sadness. In fact he's completely oblivious most of the time to the fact that I'm sad at all.
2.29.2016
I'm really lost and I know exactly why. I don't have any goals whatsoever besides surviving the rest of my life and not fighting with Brad. Izzy is get married on January 21st of this year. I cried when I found out.It just doesn't feel real and I told Brad that I always thought I would be the first one to do everything. I never have been though so I don't know why I'm so surprised. I was the last to graduate, last to get my driver's license, first to get into relationship, but now I'll be the last to get married. It's not that I want to get married, I'm not ready and it doesn't feel like the right time. I'll know when it's right and it isn't for us which never occurred to me as a big deal. It still isn't a big deal but now it just feels strange. We've been together for over 2 years, they've been together for 6 months and hadn't even kissed yet. I live with my fucking boyfriend which is basically like being married but without the glamour. On top of all this she asked me to be her Maid of Honor and I am freaking the fuck out... here is why in a tidy, organized list...
1. I have to throw her a "personal shower"
2. I have no money
3. I have to go over there way more to help plan the other showers and engagement party
4. Pretty sure I'm gonna have to give a toast at the wedding
5. Pretty sure I will have to pay for my bridesmaid dress
6. I have no money
7. I will need to attend every shower so that's 4 showers in total and one party
8. That's a gift for every party plus the wedding
9. I have no money
10 I have no idea about if I should bring Brad to the wedding or not or if he'll even contemplate going
11. I've never even been in a wedding much less the Maid of Honor
12. I didn't feel like I could say no I mean how fucking awful of me would that have been
I love her. Brad said it himself, she's my best friend. But I have no job right now, I don't even have a phone. I have nothing and Brad is working his ass off to support us. I cannot ask him or my mom for fucking everything under the sun.
Which brings me to today. I had to use money I had saved up since November just to pay for my medication because the card John gave me only brought it down to $48 and my Dad will not respond back to me on whether or not I still have insurance. Basically I can't even afford that. Nothing works out. I need to get a job again.
1. I have to throw her a "personal shower"
2. I have no money
3. I have to go over there way more to help plan the other showers and engagement party
4. Pretty sure I'm gonna have to give a toast at the wedding
5. Pretty sure I will have to pay for my bridesmaid dress
6. I have no money
7. I will need to attend every shower so that's 4 showers in total and one party
8. That's a gift for every party plus the wedding
9. I have no money
10 I have no idea about if I should bring Brad to the wedding or not or if he'll even contemplate going
11. I've never even been in a wedding much less the Maid of Honor
12. I didn't feel like I could say no I mean how fucking awful of me would that have been
I love her. Brad said it himself, she's my best friend. But I have no job right now, I don't even have a phone. I have nothing and Brad is working his ass off to support us. I cannot ask him or my mom for fucking everything under the sun.
Which brings me to today. I had to use money I had saved up since November just to pay for my medication because the card John gave me only brought it down to $48 and my Dad will not respond back to me on whether or not I still have insurance. Basically I can't even afford that. Nothing works out. I need to get a job again.
11.12.2015
Gonna stop caring about this after I finish writing it in 3.. 2.. 1..
That's the whole thing, you say we don't know what goes behind closed doors but YOU showed us exactly what does. You made it public. You made a post about it on social media and then you're surprised when everyone doesn't reply positively to it. It makes absolutely no sense that this is a #wcw post. At all. I think that writing something sweet on it was simply to distract from the fact that you just wanted everyone to see how big your new girlfriend's titties are. It's like a woman posting a long paragraph about just HOW much she loves her boyfriend and he's her #mcm and then attaching a picture of all this cash or materialistic things he's given her. It has nothing to do with loving the person and if it is then it's a very shallow relationship. Do you see what I'm saying? You took everything beautiful that you said and made it trashy. I don't think it's wrong for girls to post things that reveal their body, but sometimes (like this post for example) they're completely unnecessary and simply an attention seeking move.
10.03.2015
5.06.2014
Perfect Days
I thought I'd write about this past weekend and other days I loved that we spent together. I feel like when time passes you forget the little things and I never want to forget anything.
Yesterday... We sat outside in your backyard and it felt so nice. The breeze was blowing and Drew and Shane had just done a fucking lot of yard work so everything outside looked really pretty. I didn't have shoes on so you gave me a piggy back ride out to the lone chair by the street lamp. I love that fucking street lamp, but I really loved being carried by you. It was so scary, but I felt like a kid again. Probably because that was the last time I was carried by someone. We were drinking beers and I hate the taste of beer, but I can chug it anyway. We talked about movies. Our favorite ones and ones that changed our lives, changed our perception of reality. I talked about the movies Missing, Anti-Viral, and Sleeping Beauty. You didn't talk about it, but you told me yours was Martyrs. I kept finding sticks to break in half and you kept giving me sticks and telling me NOT to break them, in which I always disobeyed lol. Then you gave me one stick with this little nub and told me who ever got the shorter piece had to give fellatio. You told me to break off the little nub and of course I listened and lost, you fucker. (: So once we finished our beers, you carried me back and we sat on the steps. We started talking about pokemon. You asked what my favorite one was and I told you Vulpix, then you asked me to pick another one and I told you Eevee. Then you were like no pick another one and I picked Squirrtle. Then you just gave up haha. You were trying to find one you hated but that I loved? But you told me you'd give me the Eevee evolution pack? Because we were going to play. We ended up watching the rest of This is the End and you started watching Pacific Rim. Then we fell asleep together in your bed.
The beach day... it's been awhile since we had it, but I love looking back to that day. We set out to find a Tom Thumb before we got to the beach. You insisted on not taking John's car, but honestly it was better that way. We held hands the entire time and we walked for miles. We had no clue where the fuck we were going and had to turn around a bunch of times, even looking at my GPS to try and help us out... both of us blind and not really able to see anything in the distance. I insisted on carrying two towels for us and I had my bag full of sunscreen and all my usual shit. I was wearing my pink polka dot shorts. You were wearing your blue plaid shirt over your other shirt and you eventually took it off and put it in my bag. I took off my blue "denim" looking button down shirt too. Neither of us were wearing bathing suits. We finally found a Tom Thumb and you got a four pack of beer and a screwdriver for yourself that I ended up drinking all of later. Finding the beach was easier and we just laid out, you put some sunscreen on me, and we cuddled. You told me we should have sex right then on the beach while two women were passing lol. You wore my vintage sunglasses and you looked so sexy (: We went and stood in the water and it was freezing. We had a who can go deeper before chickening out, I won of course lol. Then we walked back, which was much easier to find. You had to pee really bad on the way back, you couldn't even make it to the stairs that lead to off the beach. And then you had to pee again behind a dumpster (which thinking back was really strange for you lol you don't pee often like you said) We walked and walked and passed by a "No Poop" graffiti on the street. I loved every minute of it. When we got home we laid in Cole's bed and watched movies, while we cuddled. We watched Speak and then I said let's watch Breaking Dawn Part II and you said that was fine, but then when I went and got the movie and came back you were asleep. I watched it by myself but then you woke up and we watched Mulan together.
The day of the flood... was just a good day because I was able to spend 24 hours with you in a row. It was such awful weather outside but we cuddled together the whole time and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I had thought about it later and if I had been away from you during the storm I would have worried about you so much. I wouldn't have been able to sleep. I would've been sick not knowing if you were okay. So being with you during that horrific storm was a "blessing" in disguise because I was able to have peace of mind about how you were. I had trouble sleeping that day though and all you did WAS sleep lol. When you woke up around 3 am, we stayed up playing Resident Evil (in which i'm not that fabulous at, but it was fun) and then we played Marvel vs. Capcom. I sort of kicked your ass (; But now you'll never play that game with me again haha. My dream team had Rocket Raccoon and that hammer guy with a different girl every time (I ended with Phoenix). I wanted to stay there forever with you. Every day, every night.
Yesterday... We sat outside in your backyard and it felt so nice. The breeze was blowing and Drew and Shane had just done a fucking lot of yard work so everything outside looked really pretty. I didn't have shoes on so you gave me a piggy back ride out to the lone chair by the street lamp. I love that fucking street lamp, but I really loved being carried by you. It was so scary, but I felt like a kid again. Probably because that was the last time I was carried by someone. We were drinking beers and I hate the taste of beer, but I can chug it anyway. We talked about movies. Our favorite ones and ones that changed our lives, changed our perception of reality. I talked about the movies Missing, Anti-Viral, and Sleeping Beauty. You didn't talk about it, but you told me yours was Martyrs. I kept finding sticks to break in half and you kept giving me sticks and telling me NOT to break them, in which I always disobeyed lol. Then you gave me one stick with this little nub and told me who ever got the shorter piece had to give fellatio. You told me to break off the little nub and of course I listened and lost, you fucker. (: So once we finished our beers, you carried me back and we sat on the steps. We started talking about pokemon. You asked what my favorite one was and I told you Vulpix, then you asked me to pick another one and I told you Eevee. Then you were like no pick another one and I picked Squirrtle. Then you just gave up haha. You were trying to find one you hated but that I loved? But you told me you'd give me the Eevee evolution pack? Because we were going to play. We ended up watching the rest of This is the End and you started watching Pacific Rim. Then we fell asleep together in your bed.
The beach day... it's been awhile since we had it, but I love looking back to that day. We set out to find a Tom Thumb before we got to the beach. You insisted on not taking John's car, but honestly it was better that way. We held hands the entire time and we walked for miles. We had no clue where the fuck we were going and had to turn around a bunch of times, even looking at my GPS to try and help us out... both of us blind and not really able to see anything in the distance. I insisted on carrying two towels for us and I had my bag full of sunscreen and all my usual shit. I was wearing my pink polka dot shorts. You were wearing your blue plaid shirt over your other shirt and you eventually took it off and put it in my bag. I took off my blue "denim" looking button down shirt too. Neither of us were wearing bathing suits. We finally found a Tom Thumb and you got a four pack of beer and a screwdriver for yourself that I ended up drinking all of later. Finding the beach was easier and we just laid out, you put some sunscreen on me, and we cuddled. You told me we should have sex right then on the beach while two women were passing lol. You wore my vintage sunglasses and you looked so sexy (: We went and stood in the water and it was freezing. We had a who can go deeper before chickening out, I won of course lol. Then we walked back, which was much easier to find. You had to pee really bad on the way back, you couldn't even make it to the stairs that lead to off the beach. And then you had to pee again behind a dumpster (which thinking back was really strange for you lol you don't pee often like you said) We walked and walked and passed by a "No Poop" graffiti on the street. I loved every minute of it. When we got home we laid in Cole's bed and watched movies, while we cuddled. We watched Speak and then I said let's watch Breaking Dawn Part II and you said that was fine, but then when I went and got the movie and came back you were asleep. I watched it by myself but then you woke up and we watched Mulan together.
The day of the flood... was just a good day because I was able to spend 24 hours with you in a row. It was such awful weather outside but we cuddled together the whole time and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I had thought about it later and if I had been away from you during the storm I would have worried about you so much. I wouldn't have been able to sleep. I would've been sick not knowing if you were okay. So being with you during that horrific storm was a "blessing" in disguise because I was able to have peace of mind about how you were. I had trouble sleeping that day though and all you did WAS sleep lol. When you woke up around 3 am, we stayed up playing Resident Evil (in which i'm not that fabulous at, but it was fun) and then we played Marvel vs. Capcom. I sort of kicked your ass (; But now you'll never play that game with me again haha. My dream team had Rocket Raccoon and that hammer guy with a different girl every time (I ended with Phoenix). I wanted to stay there forever with you. Every day, every night.
3.10.2014
I never want to forget
That moment... The sun was setting, everything was glowing yellow and orange, the windows were down, and we were all piled in that beat up red corsica, but I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I felt so alive. I felt like for the first time I was really living my life. I was finally somewhere I was supposed to be. Squished in between Alec and Brad. Brad kissing my shoulder randomly, Shane in the passenger seat and Drew driving. Laughing and joking about everything and anything. Brad and I getting really into that quiz game (me a little too much) but I felt so... attached to him at that moment. Like we were something, some sort of unit. A couple. And then all the times Drew burned rubber and the car dropped so low and spinning around corners, me being the only one screaming like a girl for once.
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