I don't get excited about days ahead anymore. When you tell me you have days off I dread them. But it doesn't matter even on days you work the next morning, it's so easy for you to find ways to spend time away from me. I'm alone all the time. It's the same old fucking story that I boo hoo about and I'm so fucking done telling it. I'm tired of this being a problem I have to deal with. You like to spend time with your friends and family. 90% of your free time. You'd like me to just be jumbled up in that percentage but I abhor your friends. So when it comes down to a decision because you live with me, you choose hanging out with them. You tell yourself that you deserve it and you don't get enough time with them anyway. This is all fine and great. But I literally have no one. I gave up my one best friend and family for you. I miss her everyday. I love my Grandma but when I'm sad and just want to talk to someone she's not the person I yearn for. She's not my mom. Nobody is. I've replaced my mom with you and that's really bad of me. Giving you so much responsibility because honestly you will never fill that gap. You let me but I can tell you hate it when I go spend time away from you. So I don't make plans, I honestly hate being away from you but if I could see into the future, if I knew that you were hanging out with your friends I would make plans with somebody. I'd try and get my own life. I would but only if I knew for certain that you wouldn't be hanging with me and that's the thing whenever I make plans with someone else you do exactly what I want to do and you don't hang out with anyone else. I'm just so sick of hearing you laugh and have a good time with your friends while I'm in our room by myself trying to find something to do even though I had 6 hours to do that before you got home. I've already been by myself and I want to spend time with you but you were at work and you want to spend time with your friends. And I just don't get why I'm alive sometimes. What the hell is my purpose besides being sad all the time? I don't bring anything to anybody's life and I don't get it. It's nights like these, I always reach for the phone. I want to call my mom so bad but I've built this wall of pretend happy and I can't call her at 1 in the morning crying every time I'm sad because that would be every other day. Eventually she'd start telling me I need to come back home and if I didn't want to do that I'd be screwed. I'd lose my support beam once again. I'd be back to square one. So I keep it to myself. I make little remarks on Twitter for no one to read and that's about as much as I open up to anyone. Brad never understands the depth of my sadness. In fact he's completely oblivious most of the time to the fact that I'm sad at all.
