I'm really lost and I know exactly why. I don't have any goals whatsoever besides surviving the rest of my life and not fighting with Brad. Izzy is get married on January 21st of this year. I cried when I found out.It just doesn't feel real and I told Brad that I always thought I would be the first one to do everything. I never have been though so I don't know why I'm so surprised. I was the last to graduate, last to get my driver's license, first to get into relationship, but now I'll be the last to get married. It's not that I want to get married, I'm not ready and it doesn't feel like the right time. I'll know when it's right and it isn't for us which never occurred to me as a big deal. It still isn't a big deal but now it just feels strange. We've been together for over 2 years, they've been together for 6 months and hadn't even kissed yet. I live with my fucking boyfriend which is basically like being married but without the glamour. On top of all this she asked me to be her Maid of Honor and I am freaking the fuck out... here is why in a tidy, organized list...
1. I have to throw her a "personal shower"
2. I have no money
3. I have to go over there way more to help plan the other showers and engagement party
4. Pretty sure I'm gonna have to give a toast at the wedding
5. Pretty sure I will have to pay for my bridesmaid dress
6. I have no money
7. I will need to attend every shower so that's 4 showers in total and one party
8. That's a gift for every party plus the wedding
9. I have no money
10 I have no idea about if I should bring Brad to the wedding or not or if he'll even contemplate going
11. I've never even been in a wedding much less the Maid of Honor
12. I didn't feel like I could say no I mean how fucking awful of me would that have been
I love her. Brad said it himself, she's my best friend. But I have no job right now, I don't even have a phone. I have nothing and Brad is working his ass off to support us. I cannot ask him or my mom for fucking everything under the sun.
Which brings me to today. I had to use money I had saved up since November just to pay for my medication because the card John gave me only brought it down to $48 and my Dad will not respond back to me on whether or not I still have insurance. Basically I can't even afford that. Nothing works out. I need to get a job again.
1. I have to throw her a "personal shower"
2. I have no money
3. I have to go over there way more to help plan the other showers and engagement party
4. Pretty sure I'm gonna have to give a toast at the wedding
5. Pretty sure I will have to pay for my bridesmaid dress
6. I have no money
7. I will need to attend every shower so that's 4 showers in total and one party
8. That's a gift for every party plus the wedding
9. I have no money
10 I have no idea about if I should bring Brad to the wedding or not or if he'll even contemplate going
11. I've never even been in a wedding much less the Maid of Honor
12. I didn't feel like I could say no I mean how fucking awful of me would that have been
I love her. Brad said it himself, she's my best friend. But I have no job right now, I don't even have a phone. I have nothing and Brad is working his ass off to support us. I cannot ask him or my mom for fucking everything under the sun.
Which brings me to today. I had to use money I had saved up since November just to pay for my medication because the card John gave me only brought it down to $48 and my Dad will not respond back to me on whether or not I still have insurance. Basically I can't even afford that. Nothing works out. I need to get a job again.
