Part 11: Sunday, October 12, 2008

I didn't know this blog thing was going to turn out to be a way to vent out my feelings, but here goes the typical teenage rant. Something happened on FB. And on one end I feel betrayed and on the other I feel hurt. Why would anyone tag a picture of you as an ugly bird? That's right, I just said that aloud. I thought about beating around the bush in case someone I didn't want to hurt read this, but I've been hurt. Maybe she intended for it to be a joke (I found other people thought it was hilarious) but I didn't get it. And when the person who is the butt of the joke doesn't get it and isn't laughing along, then guess what? It's no longer a joke. I really hate thinking bad things about people, especially your (only) bestie for life, but I feel like she's been ignoring me these past couple of weeks. I can actually pin point the date we last had a full conversation that didn't seem awkard or forced or by chance and that was our conversation on September 12. I was asking her advice about Joe and so I saved the conversation in case I needed to look back at it and that is the only reason why I know the date. Since then we have talked, by chance on the DBs. She's wrote on my wall three or four times with things I don't even understand (lyrics and other things). And that's basically it. For a whole month. I tried living in denial and making up excuses like "well, maybe she's just super busy with Tennis and school" or "maybe I offended her in some kind of way?" (I always think the second one when someone doesn't respond back to me or I feel like they're ignoring me) All I know is ever since that one week we stopped talking when I saw her posting back and forth with Joshua T. (off the record: she knew I liked him and that he wouldn't give me the time of day) we've been on shakey grounds. There's always kind of been this deep underlying thing between us... this huge space of some kind that keeps us apart. And I never wanted any of this crap to happen. Truthfully, I love her. Not in the sappy lesbian way, just care about her and her family. I only want good things for her and I only want to be her best friend. Not her rival, not her enemy (are rival and enemy the same thing?)... Basically this whole thing has been eating up at me and I've come to realize someting awful... it hurts ten times worse when a best friend hurts you then when a stranger does. I'm sure everyone already knows that, but I'm just starting to find that out. Oh and today really sucked. I decided that you have to put yourself out there to get anything in return and I still believe that because no one else is going to pursue you. No one. So I IM'ed this guy. Guess what happened? Yep, never wrote me back. But he proceeded to flaunt that he was online by changing his status a million times with different music he was listening to. Then he was out to lunch around 6ish? Maybe it was earlier for him, but I mean c'mon. It kind of made me depressed all day. Through it though, I listened to songs like "I wish you were here" and "pardon me," which really helped actually. Then I went outside and deleted pictures off my camera for like an hour. Then we got pizza and we watched Iron Man (I never saw it in theaters). And I mostly just sat or layed on my bed scrunched up in a ball. I can't really remember, but I think I eventually just fell asleep because it was light outside and when I woke up everything was pitch black and there was this weird glow (from the street lights) by the window. I hate taking naps because it feels like you're losing track of time, but you can't do anything about it. I kinda got over all the drama and crap, though. All I really wanted to do today was go see the Duchess with Mom, but she didn't get any sleep last night (I mean ANY, she stayed up the entire night) :[ so it would have been mean to try and get her to go. I kind of pushed her away earlier in the day cause I just felt like being alone, but I also didn't want to be alone. Which doesn't make any sense, but basically I just wanted to be alone unless someone wanted to be alone with me. Preferrably(sp) Mom. She's so sweet it's impossible to stay mad at her, like when she was "pretending" like she wasn't speaking to me lol I really feel at times (which is alot since we moved to FL) that she's like my only best friend :] I guess I'll try and get some sleep now. *Muah muah* I think that's supposed to be kiss sounds? :D Spicey dreams and all that jazz.