I feel like I know my friends, but I have absolutely no clue what they're really going through. I want to understand them and I want to be able to actually help them out in some way; to make them feel better. I wish I could actually do this. I guess that's why I was so interested in taking Psychology because I thought it would teach me to better understand the human mind, things to look for, body language, etc. I was extremely disappointed when I took it though, it was just an overgrown version of Health. Maybe there is no way to really learn about human nature. Maybe there aren't any secrets or answers. I don't even understand some of the things that I feel.
I get scared of people. Afraid that they're going to say something that I don't want to hear and that I won't be able to handle. I'm afraid I'll mess everything up; everything that was perfectly fine before. I guess what I'm talking about is someone telling me they like me when I don't like them in that way or deciding to confide in me about some suicidal thoughts they're having. I'm not saying I can't hear it, but I just don't want to. In a situation where someone is saying they're going to kill them self or that they are thinking about it, I would be so afraid that I'd say the wrong thing. I wouldn't want to be the last person they talked to. & with someone liking me. Well that's more of what I'm talking about because I'm constantly afraid of it happening. On one hand with some guys I want it to happen, but it wouldn't be able to go anywhere. So then they would find out what a "freak" I am and I'd rather them just pertain whatever image they have of me now in their mind. When it's someone that I don't like back though. That's the worst possible situation. Because when I turn them down, it changes everything even if you want to pretend like it doesn't and I feel like I have the ugliest heart when I do turn them down or tell them that they have it all wrong. If I could just have a guarantee that a guy wouldn't decide he liked me like that, come visit me without an invitation, talk to me about killing himself, or make me do something that I didn't feel like doing. Well then I wouldn't "hide" from people. I wouldn't all of a sudden decide that I don't want to be online and that I want to be alone.
