The only problem...

The only problem with being out of town is that when you're feeling downright awful there's nowhere to hide. Like right now I just want to lay in bed, listen to sad music and cry, but I can't without someone asking me a question. At home I'm left alone. Today was okay. It's my birthday... but the whole day overall wasn't bad. I missed 5:46. Which bummed me out. And then the walmart trip. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Everyone was acting weird including myself and mom and I were fighting about Izzy. Mom said I wasn't standing up for her and that I never do. That it's my "MO" and that really hurt. Maybe because a tiny part of me felt like she was right and I hate that. Then my brother and dad were talking about something that I will not write about... and they were just joking... but I didn't think it was funny. I tried to see the funny side, but I just don't think it's funny to go in-depth joking about something serious like for example, death. And then my medicine... when we went to pick it up at walmart earlier that day and they didn't have it.... didn't have any record of anyone calling it in or ANYTHING... that's when the dark cloud hung over my day and I just couldn't shake it. I just kept thinking about how I'm going to have to call again. And how I have to skip a day (which is not really that big of a deal because I have before) but it probably won't be ready until the day after tomorrow and what if this happens again and I don't feel like calling and explaining the situation again and feeling like an idiot and I just felt awful. So all of this just compounded and we were walking out of walmart and I just thought for a split second how I wanted to get hit by a car. I don't know why it went through my mind, but it just did. Because I was that sad and that out of it. I hate writing about this kind of stuff because it's like admitting I'm a depressed person and I'm not. Today was just especially bad I guess for me. And then I started thinking about crying... and I felt my eyes starting to tear up and I felt like right before I do when I'm going to have a sort of panic attack....... like just a few seconds of that feeling and then cole looked at me and said are you crying Arianah? And that's when I just lost it. I couldn't stop myself. I just started bawling right there. And dad touched my shoulder and he said something like it was alright or it wasn't that bad... and then they all acted weird around me and tried to cheer me up. And told me to get in the car without loading the groceries in because it probably looks like they abused me or something lol. But they're still acting weird around me... like I'm fragile or something. I still feel sad. I still want to cry. I definitely wouldn't cry out in public right now though, it's not that bad. But at that moment I was really using every amount of strength I had to keep it in and when cole asked... that's all it took. Maybe I'm just sad because I'm getting older too... I don't know when dad was playing with Sophie earlier today when we were looking at Jenn and Austin's "new apartment," just the way I saw him smiling and looking at her... I felt like a little kid again... and I imagine him looking that way and playing with me like that when I was little... and I miss that part of him... And I almost cried then so maybe it's just my period or something, but today no emotion has been put on the back burner. Like right now I hear everyone laughing in the kitchen and I feel so alone. But I can't cry. It's really been the worst birthday ever.